1. Winky
2. Winkle Butt
3. Tinkles
4. Toonses
5. Bruise Face
6. Zoomer
7. Snot Nose
8. Boobelah (yes, still)
9. Boober (see above)
10. X-Man (primarily from your grandparents)
11. Cheese Weasel
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
I guess it's not all sunshine and kittens...unless you're kicking the kittens, then it's close
This week I did what every mother has to do at some point - I left you. Overnight. And went out of town.
I know! The horrors! But I did feel a little anxious, even though you were safely at home with your father. What if something happened? What if you accidentally ate a tomato*? What if you had a nightmare and needed me to pat your little back?
Nothing happened, of course. I had a good time, I caught up on some sleep, and I made it back the next day in time to see you before you went to bed. I snuck in to where you were sitting on the couch with your dad, reading a book.
"Mum!" you exclaimed. And then: "MOOOOOMMMM! No no no no! DAD!"
You actually climbed over your father to get away from my open arms. I know, it was almost your bedtime, and I know, you were confused by my absence. But my heart broke. Probably audibly.
You wouldn't let me read you a story, handing the book to your father instead, and you ran away from me. Eventually your father put you to bed.
In the morning you were fine - mostly - though you did insist on waking up your dad right away (usually "Daddy's sleeping" is enough to convince you). But I had to go to work early, and later in the day your dad called me home. You had woken up from your nap completely inconsolable, sobbing your little heart out for 15 minutes. None of the usual tricks had worked.
So I came home, and you still wanted nothing to do with me. Eventually you calmed down, and I read you books and was just there. I even got a hug. Eventually.
But I've had to win back your love at least 3 times a day all week. Every time you reject me, I feel kicked in the belly.
So I'm never going away again, ever. Aren't you going to love THAT when you're 15?
*Your father informed me that you did, in fact, accidentally bite into a tomato. And nothing bad happened. So I'm going to go ahead and assume you're not really allergic. Maybe they just don't agree with you.
I know! The horrors! But I did feel a little anxious, even though you were safely at home with your father. What if something happened? What if you accidentally ate a tomato*? What if you had a nightmare and needed me to pat your little back?
Nothing happened, of course. I had a good time, I caught up on some sleep, and I made it back the next day in time to see you before you went to bed. I snuck in to where you were sitting on the couch with your dad, reading a book.
"Mum!" you exclaimed. And then: "MOOOOOMMMM! No no no no! DAD!"
You actually climbed over your father to get away from my open arms. I know, it was almost your bedtime, and I know, you were confused by my absence. But my heart broke. Probably audibly.
You wouldn't let me read you a story, handing the book to your father instead, and you ran away from me. Eventually your father put you to bed.
In the morning you were fine - mostly - though you did insist on waking up your dad right away (usually "Daddy's sleeping" is enough to convince you). But I had to go to work early, and later in the day your dad called me home. You had woken up from your nap completely inconsolable, sobbing your little heart out for 15 minutes. None of the usual tricks had worked.
So I came home, and you still wanted nothing to do with me. Eventually you calmed down, and I read you books and was just there. I even got a hug. Eventually.
But I've had to win back your love at least 3 times a day all week. Every time you reject me, I feel kicked in the belly.
So I'm never going away again, ever. Aren't you going to love THAT when you're 15?
*Your father informed me that you did, in fact, accidentally bite into a tomato. And nothing bad happened. So I'm going to go ahead and assume you're not really allergic. Maybe they just don't agree with you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Xander Update, 21 months
I've been a little late with this update because you've been, well...a little overwhelming. I kept thinking that maybe you were having a couple of bad days, no? Well, maybe a week? No...okay, it's been a while, I guess it's just how you are now.
That's not to say that you're not still charming and endearing and vastly entertaining. We're just in one of those frustrating phases where there is an extreme failure to communicate, and you get more and more pissed off because LADY, CAN'T YOU SEE "APPAH!" MEANS I WANT SOME CHEESE? And no, I don't see, I don't understand at all, and you continue to escalate until you're choking on your own tears and there is a veritable river of snot running out of your nose.
Most of the time you can be diverted with Elmo or maybe a ball or running water or, as a last resort, the Great Outdoors, but there is a certain finesse to it, wherein I somehow have to trick you into thinking that oh! hey! It was your idea to watch Elmo, I meant to do that. I chose to stop screaming. But if I don't hit the right note?
Well. Then you choose to KEEP screaming.
At which point I just ignore you, and eventually you get hungry or forget why you're yelling. But sometimes that's not really an option, like when the entryway of a restaurant has vending machines with fucking BALLS in it, and you lose it because obviously you want one, but maybe you'll forget if we get to the table in time. Except then the stupid hostess (Okay! She's 18! She doesn't know any better BUT STILL) seats us at the table, the only table, with a direct view of said vending machines.
Then we get to teach you the valuable, though inadvertent, lesson that if you pitch a fit in a nice restaurant? You get fast food! WITH TOYS!
Bah.
(I do seem to have more success if I mention the upcoming unpleasant event - bedtime, or diaper change, or whatever - about 40 thousand times in the hour before. Then the transition is easier for you, or you assume it's your own idea. But that's not always feasible, either.)
Anyway, aside from that you're doing lots of great things. Your favorite thing to watch right now is a DVD of Sesame Street with Stomp, and you're really into the rhythm thing. You like to drum on things, all things, and find new things with which to drum on other things in the hopes that they'll make a different noise. You merrily slap away at your knees and torso and on the coffee table, dancing with your butt bobbing, and it's just about the cutest thing ever.
You're still our little hippie child who loves the Great Outdoors. We have to let you out at least once a day, and not for any lame little walk to the car, either, thankyouverymuch. This has been difficult some days as our summer so far has been pretty sucky in terms of weather. I mean, YOU don't seem to care if you're soaked to the bone, but I do.
Your language skills still seem to be lagging a little behind your ability to run, and climb, and fall, and jump, and fall again (you're currently sporting a scab next to your eye, a huge bruise on one cheek, scrapes on all limbs, and a lump near your hairline). But you do have a few new words, one of which pretty much sums it up:
"Mess! Uh-oh, mess!" *
*Pronounced 'meth'. Of course. Because it's freakin' adorable.
That's not to say that you're not still charming and endearing and vastly entertaining. We're just in one of those frustrating phases where there is an extreme failure to communicate, and you get more and more pissed off because LADY, CAN'T YOU SEE "APPAH!" MEANS I WANT SOME CHEESE? And no, I don't see, I don't understand at all, and you continue to escalate until you're choking on your own tears and there is a veritable river of snot running out of your nose.
Most of the time you can be diverted with Elmo or maybe a ball or running water or, as a last resort, the Great Outdoors, but there is a certain finesse to it, wherein I somehow have to trick you into thinking that oh! hey! It was your idea to watch Elmo, I meant to do that. I chose to stop screaming. But if I don't hit the right note?
Well. Then you choose to KEEP screaming.
At which point I just ignore you, and eventually you get hungry or forget why you're yelling. But sometimes that's not really an option, like when the entryway of a restaurant has vending machines with fucking BALLS in it, and you lose it because obviously you want one, but maybe you'll forget if we get to the table in time. Except then the stupid hostess (Okay! She's 18! She doesn't know any better BUT STILL) seats us at the table, the only table, with a direct view of said vending machines.
Then we get to teach you the valuable, though inadvertent, lesson that if you pitch a fit in a nice restaurant? You get fast food! WITH TOYS!
Bah.
(I do seem to have more success if I mention the upcoming unpleasant event - bedtime, or diaper change, or whatever - about 40 thousand times in the hour before. Then the transition is easier for you, or you assume it's your own idea. But that's not always feasible, either.)
Anyway, aside from that you're doing lots of great things. Your favorite thing to watch right now is a DVD of Sesame Street with Stomp, and you're really into the rhythm thing. You like to drum on things, all things, and find new things with which to drum on other things in the hopes that they'll make a different noise. You merrily slap away at your knees and torso and on the coffee table, dancing with your butt bobbing, and it's just about the cutest thing ever.
You're still our little hippie child who loves the Great Outdoors. We have to let you out at least once a day, and not for any lame little walk to the car, either, thankyouverymuch. This has been difficult some days as our summer so far has been pretty sucky in terms of weather. I mean, YOU don't seem to care if you're soaked to the bone, but I do.
Your language skills still seem to be lagging a little behind your ability to run, and climb, and fall, and jump, and fall again (you're currently sporting a scab next to your eye, a huge bruise on one cheek, scrapes on all limbs, and a lump near your hairline). But you do have a few new words, one of which pretty much sums it up:
"Mess! Uh-oh, mess!" *
*Pronounced 'meth'. Of course. Because it's freakin' adorable.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
You just can't get good customer service anymore
Dear Keely:
Congratulations on your recent acquisition of a Toddler2000! We appreciate your inquiry regarding the purchase of a manual for this product. We are experiencing higher than normal interest and are currently out of stock. Your order will be processed at the earliest available opportunity, however, we do not expect a restock of this item until October, 2012.
We would like to take this opportunity to correct a few misconceptions you appear to have regarding the Toddler2000. Many of the concerns you cited are in fact design features, not "flaws".
The Toddler2000 comes pre-programmed with our amazing, patented ToddlerLogicTM. ToddlerLogicTM makes each Toddler2000 unique. For example, your particular model responds very well to water, providing that the water is between 20 and 22 degrees Celsius. Water at higher temperatures will often cause an alarm loop, resulting in a repetitive yelp ("hot! hot! hot!") from the unit. Water at lower temperatures will cause the unit to vibrate.
These responses should prompt an interaction from you. It is imperative that they are not confused with the ToddlerTantrumTM. The ToddlerTantrumTM is a failsafe feature that is initiated when the unit is close to shutdown. DO NOT attempt to interact with the Toddler2000 while it is in ToddlerTantrumTM mode, as this can disrupt the program's learning ability and cause it to crash more often.
ToddlerLogicTM was also created to provide mental stimulation. The "totally irrational choices and mood swings" you refer to are, again, by design.
ToddlerLogicTM is designed to absorb and process information you give it at an exponential rate. It is also programmed with an 'entertainment' feature. Utilized correctly, it can be a delight to you and your family for years to come.
Please do not hesitate to contact our Help Desk if you have further questions. Have your original receipt and serial number at hand. Please note that Toddler Industries does not assume liability for any units that have been re-programmed or altered.
Sincerely,
Toddler Industries
Congratulations on your recent acquisition of a Toddler2000! We appreciate your inquiry regarding the purchase of a manual for this product. We are experiencing higher than normal interest and are currently out of stock. Your order will be processed at the earliest available opportunity, however, we do not expect a restock of this item until October, 2012.
We would like to take this opportunity to correct a few misconceptions you appear to have regarding the Toddler2000. Many of the concerns you cited are in fact design features, not "flaws".
The Toddler2000 comes pre-programmed with our amazing, patented ToddlerLogicTM. ToddlerLogicTM makes each Toddler2000 unique. For example, your particular model responds very well to water, providing that the water is between 20 and 22 degrees Celsius. Water at higher temperatures will often cause an alarm loop, resulting in a repetitive yelp ("hot! hot! hot!") from the unit. Water at lower temperatures will cause the unit to vibrate.
These responses should prompt an interaction from you. It is imperative that they are not confused with the ToddlerTantrumTM. The ToddlerTantrumTM is a failsafe feature that is initiated when the unit is close to shutdown. DO NOT attempt to interact with the Toddler2000 while it is in ToddlerTantrumTM mode, as this can disrupt the program's learning ability and cause it to crash more often.
ToddlerLogicTM was also created to provide mental stimulation. The "totally irrational choices and mood swings" you refer to are, again, by design.
ToddlerLogicTM is designed to absorb and process information you give it at an exponential rate. It is also programmed with an 'entertainment' feature. Utilized correctly, it can be a delight to you and your family for years to come.
Please do not hesitate to contact our Help Desk if you have further questions. Have your original receipt and serial number at hand. Please note that Toddler Industries does not assume liability for any units that have been re-programmed or altered.
Sincerely,
Toddler Industries
Friday, July 3, 2009
Tomato Update
You had your allergy re-test today, using an actual raw tomato. The allergist used your father as a control subject, which may not have been the most reliable thing to do, as he views most vegetables with suspicion. And extreme prejudice. But I guess he's probably had a tomato or two.
There was no difference in your test and your father's, which made the allergist conclude that you aren't allergic, though you may have an intolerance. (Which I'm sure will be a great comfort to you the next time you're dry-heaving on to my shoulder, that you're not really allergic, just intolerant). So that was good, but then he handed your father a prescription for two Epi-Pens.
I'm so confused.
Luckily I don't really like tomatoes myself. I think they just won't be welcome in our house for a while.
There was no difference in your test and your father's, which made the allergist conclude that you aren't allergic, though you may have an intolerance. (Which I'm sure will be a great comfort to you the next time you're dry-heaving on to my shoulder, that you're not really allergic, just intolerant). So that was good, but then he handed your father a prescription for two Epi-Pens.
I'm so confused.
Luckily I don't really like tomatoes myself. I think they just won't be welcome in our house for a while.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
A little roughage
Yesterday you thought you could improve on the lunch I fed you:
Mmmmmmm, Crayola sandwich.
Mmmmmmm, Crayola sandwich.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Attaaaack of the Killer TomAYtoes - sing along!
Yesterday your father took you to an allergist. I suspected that your recent puking incident might have been related to a raw tomato, which is what you ate about 5 minutes before starting your epic reversal of stomach gears. I wouldn't have made that connection except that was one of only 3 times you'd ever eaten one (as far as I know). The first two times, you were quite a bit younger and probably didn't manage to eat much of it. But you DID smear it all over your face, which got red and blotchy, both times.
You may have just inherited my obnoxiously sensitive skin, but I wanted to be sure and asked your doctor to refer you.
So off you went to get poked and scraped. Apparently the tests were 'inconclusive'. They tested you with 3 different tomato 'extracts', and the one for the raw tomato flared up. I don't see how that's inconclusive myself, but you have to go back in a week and repeat the procedure with a REAL raw tomato.
I try not to be all Dr. Google, but when this first occurred to me as a possibility, I couldn't help myself. As it happens, a true tomato allergy is pretty rare but can be severe. Also, it can increase in severity with exposure. If you spent all weekend dry-heaving onto my shoulder with only your third bite ever, that kind of concerns me.
I don't want you to be the kid that can't go to the pizza party. Or that has to sit in the corner with his sauceless 'special' pizza that he brought from home, not joining in the food fight lest he break out into hives and start frothing at the mouth. Everybody is pretty cautious about kids with peanut allergies these days, but who the hell is going to look out for you if your raw tomato allergy turns into an intolerance for ALL tomatoes? Tomatoes are in practically everything. They're ubiquitous. They're like the herpes of the vegetable world.
Or the fruit world, depending on who you listen to. Whatever. Semantics.
Also, if you turn out to be allergic, I will NEVER get the theme song from that stupid movie out of my head.
You may have just inherited my obnoxiously sensitive skin, but I wanted to be sure and asked your doctor to refer you.
So off you went to get poked and scraped. Apparently the tests were 'inconclusive'. They tested you with 3 different tomato 'extracts', and the one for the raw tomato flared up. I don't see how that's inconclusive myself, but you have to go back in a week and repeat the procedure with a REAL raw tomato.
I try not to be all Dr. Google, but when this first occurred to me as a possibility, I couldn't help myself. As it happens, a true tomato allergy is pretty rare but can be severe. Also, it can increase in severity with exposure. If you spent all weekend dry-heaving onto my shoulder with only your third bite ever, that kind of concerns me.
I don't want you to be the kid that can't go to the pizza party. Or that has to sit in the corner with his sauceless 'special' pizza that he brought from home, not joining in the food fight lest he break out into hives and start frothing at the mouth. Everybody is pretty cautious about kids with peanut allergies these days, but who the hell is going to look out for you if your raw tomato allergy turns into an intolerance for ALL tomatoes? Tomatoes are in practically everything. They're ubiquitous. They're like the herpes of the vegetable world.
Or the fruit world, depending on who you listen to. Whatever. Semantics.
Also, if you turn out to be allergic, I will NEVER get the theme song from that stupid movie out of my head.
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